hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
