Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
