I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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