woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize