my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I love you. Go after that dick
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
