This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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