mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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