Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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