i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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