she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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