Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
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