Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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