I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
