since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
