I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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