ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize