the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
you didnt know i had herpes?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
