She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
