Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
