Walk of Shame. In a state park.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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