cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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