A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
