chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Can you repeat that, but with context?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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