I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
