I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
