Your face is a jimmy john
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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