1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
