Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
