I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
