Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
