It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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