Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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