i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
