Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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