I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize