She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Everything about him screamed your future.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
