you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
