You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
