So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
