I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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