i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
