I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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