Have you finally orgasmed yet?
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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