And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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