I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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