Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
