Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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