They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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