I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
