I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
