dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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