He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Randomize
