I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
