im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
