I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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