so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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