So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
smell my finger.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
