He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
