I think im going to throw up on grandma
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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